Can criticism really be constructive?

So the funny thing about me is I think of blog topics at the weirdest times. Never when I am readily at a computer to actually type it up of course. Mostly in the car on the way to or from work when I am all alone with my thoughts and music.

This morning I was thinking about how a lot of people think that constructive criticism is just something that people should be able to take. I however think that constructive criticism is in itself an oxymoron. How constructive can you be when using critical words? I am not saying we should only tell people what they want to hear or anything like that. I just think that there can a be a way to say things so that you get your point across without crushing someone.

My father visited us here in AZ this past Halloween. It was wonderful to have him here during that time and the kids loved it. He and I took the kids out to lunch at a restaurant one afternoon when they had a 1/2 day at school. I will be the first to admit that I expect a lot from my kids when eating at a restaurant. I want them to understand how important it is to be respectful of the other people that are there. However after the meal when I was talking to my father, he pointed out to me (very gently) that I am strict with them and maybe to much so. I have always known that I am strict, and I think part of it is making up for the lack of strictness when I was very young. I don't want my children to have to have as much trial and error as I did. They will have to make their own mistakes, but a parents responsibility is to teach them as much as they can and not leave them open to a life that is all mistakes. My mother didn't really enforce a lot of rules on us and a lot of times I wish there had been more guidance.

Anyway back to my point, because my father told me this gently I really heard him. I have thought about and made a point to pay attention to the rules and things that I have with my children. He is completely right, I was too strict in some instances. There was no reason for me holding them back at certain times. No one was getting hurt, no one was bothered and they were just being kids and having fun. So I now stop myself and think, is it necessary to be restrictive at this point or am I doing it because I want control of everything. I think the kids have noticed.

This morning we went to the grocery store and Allan wanted to run from where we were to our destination. I said no because I don't like them to run all over like wild animals. However, no one was in the aisle we were in so I let them run to the end of the aisle and wait for me. This doesn't sound like a big deal, but they take joy in the small things and I need to let them have more small things like this. There are other examples that may be better but this one was fresh in my mind. I can only imagine that someone reading this thinks that I am still too strict, while someone else wants to know how I could possibly let them run in a store. It is all about balance and working on finding the one that works for our family.

Thanks to my father for knowing how to tell me something that I really needed to know about myself. It wasn't a criticism, but an observation. He saw a way to help me be better without making me feel worse. If only everyone could work on this skill, it would be a great thing. Also there was no guilt put upon me either, which too many people use as a weapon. That however might be a whole other post on another day.